When I'm With You The Landscape Goes All Weird
by AmazinglyMe
Summary: “So,” Olive calls into the next dressing room over, “do you want to know what it’s like to kiss Ned?” Chuck and Olive go shopping. Chuck/Olive friendship fic.


_A/N:_ Fic from my LJ that I'm finally posting here. Enjoy!

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"Chuck." It's a stage whisper, a fiercely concentrated hiss, and Chuck sits bolt upright in bed and glances around.

"What -- Olive?"

"Yes!" Olive says. "Come on, come on let's go."

Chuck stumbles out of bed, tugs on her robe, and Olive, who's apparently been hissing at her from the doorway, leads the way into the main room of The Piehole.

"Olive, what is it?"

"I'm not super jealous any more," Olive announces, picking up her purse from the counter, "just regular jealous. And that means we can go shopping!"

"Oh." Chuck says, pauses for a moment, and then grabs her bag, her sunglasses, and just in case, her patience.

"That's figurative of course," Chuck says aloud to the empty room, "but you never know."

"So," Chuck says as she settles happily into the car, "when did you stop being super jealous and become regular jealous?"

"Well," Olive says conspiratorially (and, rather impressively, all in one breath), "first of all assuming that you know super jealous means jealous of the fact that you are ridiculously and extremely cutely in love, and even I am forced to admit it, even though I'm in unrequited love with the self-same man, and you are perfectly happy at least to all appearances despite the fact that you have a _tragic_ and lethal food allergy to the man you purport to love --"

"Mm-hmm." Chuck says expectantly.

"And assuming that you know that regular jealous means that I am only jealous of the fact that you have such a great, happy relationship, forget who with --"

"Yes."

"I think I stopped when you let me hug him. Or at least, it started then. And," here Olive sighs, "of course, if I'd accepted a few homeopathic remedies along the way, I might have progressed much sooner. But as it is, well, who knows?"

She perks up again by the end of her sentence and pops a tape into the cassette deck.

"You still have tapes?" Chuck asks, and Olive holds her breath. "That's so cool!"

Olive lets out the breath, smiles, and starts driving. This may just work out.

"I really think we should tell each other things," Chuck says, "I mean, I've never really had a best friend who was a girl, but that's what girlfriends do, right? And I mean girlfriends in the entirely platonic sense."

"You've never had a girl best friend?" Olive looks horrified. "You poor thing! That's a formative experience! I think. I mean, who says I've had one?"

"You haven't?" Chuck says. "You know, we may want to volunteer to be part of some kind of scientific study. I mean, we found each other completely by accident, yet we have similar experiences. Or, non-experiences."

"And we both fell in love with the same man!" Olive says, then gives an embarrassed giggle. "Not, of course, that it's an issue any more."

"Of course." Chuck says, and strategically begins to talk about sunglasses.

"So," Olive calls into the next dressing room over, "do you want to know what it's like to kiss Ned?"

There is no sound from the next dressing room over. Olive cringes. "Was that tactless? You know sometimes I just have no idea when I'm going to far. That's why it's a good thing I'm short. When you're short, everyone thinks you're bold and witty, not tactless. I should probably resent it, but," she laughs, "well, if it's not broken, right?"

Olive emerges from the dressing room wearing a green mini-dress and watches in horror as a woman in her forties emerges from the next dressing room over, wearing jeans that fit her terribly and giving Olive a very strange look.

Olive changes out of the dress faster then she's changed out of anything in her life and flies out to find Chuck waiting just outside the dressing rooms with a horrified look on her face.

"Okay, we were definitely _not_ in adjacent dressing rooms," Olive exclaims, just as Chuck blurts out, "We weren't next to each other Olive!"

They both pause, then start laughing and can't stop.

"I told a complete stranger about being short!" Olive gasps, and Chuck grins. "I explained cup-pies to a four-year old girl and her mom."

She pauses, then adds. "Maybe it's good publicity?"

"Sure. We should go dressing-room to dressing-room!" Olive says, and she and Chuck walk (rather hastily) back out into the mall.

"Do you think Lily would like these?" Olive asks, and Chuck turns to examine the earrings.

"Hm. I'm not sure -- they look like they're enjoying life a little to much, don't you think?"

There is a pause in which both women seriously examine the earrings, simple silver hoops.

"Maybe it would be good for her." Chuck suggests, and Olive nods.

"I'll get them. I can bring them with the next batch of pies."

"Thank you," Chuck says, and then adds, "for doing that I mean. For doing everything. I've got a six-phase plan, but I think with your help we'll only need to proceed for phase three. Tops."

"Aw," Olive says, digging in her purse for the right change, "you're so sweet."

"You know, by anyone else that might be considered a strange compliment." Chuck says thoughtfully, and Olive grins.

"We just have strange tastes."

"Strange but sophisticated."

They drag themselves back through the doors to The Piehole at eight that night, exhausted but triumphant, carrying bags of clothes, shoes, earrings, and gifts for the aunts, to be given at strategic intervals (phase two-and-a-half, all Olive's idea, with Chuck's input when it came to the presents).

"Well," Olive says happily, kicking off her high heels and shrinking by an inch-and-a-half, "I think we can call that a success."

"Beyond a success. It was a triumph of the shopping art." Chuck says happily. "You know I was never very good at shopping."

"You're kidding. You shopped like a pro!" Olive said.

Ned emerges from the kitchen, takes in the bags of merchandise, the frazzled looking women, and the argument about amateur versus professional shopping, shopping for business and shopping for pleasure, and commando versus civilian shoppers, and dashes back into the safety of the kitchen.

He sighs and leans against the door. As though he needs anything else to worry about.

"You want my advice?" Emerson says the next day, nursing a piece of huckleberry pie. "Grow a beard, get some glasses, change your name, learn to yodel, and move to Switzerland."

Ned looks at him for a minute, and Emerson shrugs, finishing his pie. "Good chocolate in Switzerland."

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_Notes:_

o1. Written for agentalpo as part of holidaywishes on LJ.

o2. Reviews. Gimme. Please? :)


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